I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
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I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
listen closely
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!