I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
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Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
seems fine
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.