Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
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Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
🙂🐾
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.