@NottaBigDeal: I was listening to my wife argue with our 5 y/o. I didn't want to tell her he was right so karate chopped the TV to create a diversion.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date] OK don't let her know you're a snail Waiter: Would you like some salt? [flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
@BurgerKing: IF UR DATING SOMEONE AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
@rockymomax: CLERK: $3.74 ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
@WineMummy: Nothing says you're over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.