If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
You Might Also Like
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Ha
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR