What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
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Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”