I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
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No selfies while hijacking a train.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.