I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
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“what that mouth do?” complain
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight