“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
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A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours