I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
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My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.