I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
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them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week