@Dutch_50: I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
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@WheelTod: [I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife's underwear] But that means... [Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
@TheHyyyype: [at the beach, about to get in the ocean] "but i don't want my stuff stolen" *covers it with towel* "ok now it's safe"
@spekulation: Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I'm not an idiot and I know how time travel works.