I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
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Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?