@Dutch_50: I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it's yours.
@Great_JENetics: *found in the netflix horror section* "Mary has a secret that'll TEAR YOU APART" Movie name: Mary piranha
@mrtruthandsoul: 5yo: Daddy, what's a facial? Me: Your brother. 5yo: I don't have a brother!? Me: Exactly!