I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
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Feels
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son