@ericonederful: I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
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@JB4Realz: If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him. Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
@goldengateblond: I've gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I'll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
@LnL245: I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can't figure out why she's crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
@Carmel_Coleman: Had a girl say "I want you to treat me like a virgin" So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.