I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
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Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.