I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
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Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.