I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
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[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
mathematically impossible
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
My diet starts in January
of 2027
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.