I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
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I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
oh my god
Netflix and awkward silence?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?