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@megantwentytwo: "I was on Vine before it was cool."
@chairmanMAO_92: This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said "I didn't know Pink used her last name as well" Now she's dead
@P1ssed_K1d: My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she's going to look amazing.
@hurlarious: Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
@LaceyNycole: Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I'm a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
@theroneman: Clyde: I'm looking 4 a partner. What's ur name?
C: That ur real name?
"Nope. Jekyll Elizabeth Parker"
C: ...Bonnie it is