I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
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The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
My sex drive has a dui
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.