@BigRadMachine: I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn't do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn't getting paid enough.
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@hello_saylor: My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: "I enjoy receiving a paycheck."
@captainkalvis: [engagement party] brother: show us the ring! me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i'm gettin married
@JasonLastname: Cop: How much have you had to drink? Me: Like six carrot juices Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel