I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
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I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
He’s dead
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
*pokes sex life with a stick
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.