I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
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Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese