I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
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I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.