I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
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I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
can’t believe I got front row seats
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants