@MaraWritesStuff: I was only mildly famous in the '90s but vaccinate your kids
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@BuckyIsotope: I've only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I'll have plenty for retirement.
@LizHackett: Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
@jwoodham: Just once I'd like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, "Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood."
@dubstep4dads: i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed