I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
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As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field