@Darlainky: I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn't stick.
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@TragicAllyHere: *trapped in a sinking car* I should call 911 *car fills with water* Ugh I hate phone calls *head barely above water* Can I just text them
@InternetHippo: SCIENTISTS: We've discovered a massive black hole with no obvious qualities ME: Ok wow I'm right here
@Ideal_Victoria: Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one” And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
@ninetek: I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like "Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute..."