I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
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I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
My wedding will be open casket.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.