I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
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How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
This is I, Robot all over again
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
R.I.P.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
thank god the sign was there
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.