I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
You Might Also Like
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi