You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
You Might Also Like
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English