I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
TODAY
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
me irl
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?