I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
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if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.