I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
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Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.