I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
You Might Also Like
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.