“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
You Might Also Like
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle