I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
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[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.