Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
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Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us