I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
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The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no