I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
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I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.