Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
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WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
couldn’t resist
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people