When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
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Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count