I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
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I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
that wasn’t the question
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”