I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
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Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”