I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
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just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers