Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
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[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics