@JD_Barney: I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"
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@PaperWash: [in ambulance after being shot] can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell? "Don't be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can"
@1CleverGirl1: If you care about someone, even a little bit. I beg of you. Please. TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
@Terdoh: Me: And what do you do if I tell you I'm having a heart attack? Siri: I clear your browser history. Me: That's right darling.