@JD_Barney: I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"
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@MartaEffing: I'm pretty sure the chick at this drive thru had me repeat, 'I'll take a number two', multiple times so she could laugh at me.
@PaperWash: Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy's before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
@david8hughes: [over megaphone] "Police! We have you astounded!" "Jim, it's 'surrounded'." "No, I know but look at his face."