I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
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Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Cndnsd Mlk
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.