I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
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No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Why am I like this?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Wake me when AI does housework
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.