Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
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Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.