[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
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The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
So we got a goldfish…
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Cake!!
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.