@mattZillaaaa: I was really upset today but then a friend said "don't be upset" so now I'm not upset anymore
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@theawkwardful: My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
@TitansHomer: Wife: What's the Harlem shake? Me: I don't know, I think they sell them at Burger King?
@MatCro: ME: I want the car's brake lines to rust SCIENTIST: I'm listening ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
@EndhooS: Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine? Jesus: ON Girl: What? Jesus: Long walks ON the sea