ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
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Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I finally found a reason to live again.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you