I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
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I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.