I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
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23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
a lot to unpack here