I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
You Might Also Like
*gets down on one knee*
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?